It is so easy to get swept along in life by what you think you should want!
What your mother/sister/best friend thinks that you want or should want!
But how often are you clear about how you actually feel about something?
How often have you walked away from something because you were brave enough in the early days to recognise it wasn't for you, rather than pursuing it to a point of it causing you anxiety, worry or trepidation?
I had a client last week who was at a crossroads in her life, we checked in with the usual catch up at the start of the session and I noticed how much she was talking about what her mum and best friend thought she should do about a certain situation in her life. Carefully listening I then asked her, “So what do you think you should do?”.
She looked at me a little puzzled and then said, “I just told you that!”.
I said, “No you didn’t, correct me if I misheard you but I heard you tell me that your mum thought you were crazy, that nothing should be this hard work at this stage, you are forcing something that you aren’t sure of. And you told me that your best friend thought that the situation had potential but that the person involved just needed ‘shaping and teaching’ how to be what you were looking for, they had lots of other things going for them and that is rare, so something you can work with!”. (Shaping and teaching I will revisit this little nugget in a future musing I promise! Spoiler alert I will not be condoning or advocating it in the slightest - the words give me chills and very much not the good kind!!!)
“Oh!!!” She replied, the question and thought gradually sinking in that she hadn’t indeed told me what she wanted and I could see that she hadn’t really given it much thought either beyond discussing the situation with her council. We took a break from the session for 10 minutes so she could go and sit and think on this and we met back, she said, “well I don’t know what I want but I do know what I don’t want!”.
Music to my ears - perfect I said (i’m sure my clients sometimes think i’m a little crazy as she gave me that Victoria have you bumped your head again look I see so often!).
After going through her very brave and honest list of what she didn’t want we talked about the remaining options in line with which option let her be the most her or the her that she was working hard to become.
She noted how changing for someone wasn’t a great option (truth) and compromises on your own morals and values leads to eventual resent, and unhappiness. We also talked about how expecting someone else to change also isn’t a viable option (without too much persuading thankfully).
By thinking about and outlining what you don’t want you are actually using a great formula to start working out what you do want and taking it from there you can eventually start the next step of how you are going to get it. :)
I think getting back to the point of working on what you want as a process of elimination of what you definitely don’t want is just a way of reverse engineering a problem and a super useful tool to help you move forward when you are feeling stuck.
In this instance though we are talking about developing the brevity, honesty and secure sense of
self to be able to say to someone NO i’m out - this isn’t for me, it isn’t what I want!
Part of learning to embrace who you are and taking responsibility for and to create your own happiness comes with being able to be alone or being able to not do something because there isn't a better option.
I am focusing on friendships, relationships and even family ties to a point with this topic. Because using people, their time their resources and tricking them into putting their energy and effort into you, or a relationship is not the way to step into yourself, it is making someone responsible for passing your time, or filing your social calendar until a better option comes along and that is not being comfortable with who you are, your morals, values, or personal aspirations for your life. At best it is a limiting belief that whatever you are settling for in the meantime is probably as good as you can do, at worst it is hiding away from discovering how you fulfil your time, life and spend your energy to be comfortable, satisfied and happy in your own skin of who you are and what makes you happy and fulfilled.
I forget who it was with but I was once listening to a podcast interview of a couple and the interviewer asked them what was the secret to their happiness, without skipping a beat the man said it is that we know we want to be together but we don’t need to be together. The interviewer, a little shocked, turned to the wife and said and how do you feel about that? She instantly said absolutely we have a great connection, love, trust and fun but we are both so clear on who we are, what we want. We know together we have a really great life, but apart we would still be the same people having a great life! And that there is life goals hey!!!
My gran always said the same thing whenever we said we were bored. She would say, well if you can’t entertain yourself and like your own company why would anyone else want to unbore you!
Another example of the importance of being who you are first and interacting with others second!
I understand finding what you want can be a task especially, if you have been in a relationship where you have lost your identity (and often more) but it is so very important and worth it.
I dare you next time you’re being swept along, pop the brakes on and ask yourself is this what I want and where I want to be?!
Until next time lovelies keep Stepping into your Light and live your best life!!